I've been thinking a bit about how mothering gets easier with every baby. Breastfeeding feels more natural and I feel more relaxed and confident in my way of doing things. I've kept three kids alive this long, so I must be doing something kind of okayish.

Anyway, I was thinking the other day about advice I'd give my baby sister when she has her first, now that I'm 'seasoned,' and here's what I came up with.

1. Read it all, then do what feels right

I've read about every book on parenting/feeding/sleep training/potty training. I'd adhere to a method strictly, then fail, then read something else. I didn't naturally flow into my own methods until Emmie, my third baby, and it's liberating.

Babies who cry it out grow up to be fine adults. Babies who were spoon fed store bought baby food until they were four grow up to be fine adults. Bottle-fed babies grow up to be fine adults*. And babies who co-slept, fed only organic homemade baby food and wore cloth diapers grow up to be fine adults, too. Do what feels right for you in your time of life, and laugh if off when you hear objections to your way (because you will).

Mothers, we are divinely appointed to be stewards over these precious spirits, so let's start acting like we know a thing or two about how we'd like to do things, and forget the criticisms.


2. You're not going to ruin your child

I never let Logan in bed with me, not once. I nursed him in a rocking chair in the middle of the night and moved him from our room into a crib when he was three weeks old. I guess I had read some weird book about babies getting into a good schedule if left to sleep on their own. I let him cry it out  for 15 minutes at a time when he was only three of four months. It all felt wrong, but I didn't want him to develop bad sleeping habits.

Contrastingly, Lela hasn't left my side. I've slept with her every night, she nurses in bed with me, her bassinet (that she only sleeps in for naps) sits next to my side of the bed and I don't plan on moving her until she's fifteen. Or at least seven months. And I didn't change because I think Lela will have a leg up on Logan and feel more connected with me as an adult. She might, and it may make a difference. But I do it for me. Because I love and NEED that connection.

Your one year old who is exclusively rocked to sleep will not grow up to be a teenager who needs to be rocked to sleep. These moments we have with our babies are so fleeting, so spoiling them with our attention and touch will not translate to pansy kids. They need it. We need it.

And about that time you left your screaming child in her crib while you ran to your room to bury your head in a pillow just to hear yourself think? We've all been there**. Your baby won't remember it.


3. Use the "pause"

I get the term from the book Bringing Up Bebe, but she uses it in a different context. I use it to describe the method I used to transform breastfeeding from maniacally stressful to a calm, beautiful bonding ritual.

When babies are tiny, starving and trying to latch, they scream. Moms tense, start sweating and swearing (wait, what?), cry, then start all over again with an even hungrier, angrier baby. That can describe the first three weeks of me trying to feed Logan.

For my second, third and fourth newborns, I used the pause. First, I only start nursing calm babies. Once the baby's calm and I'm calm, I'll start. If she has a hard time latching and gets frustrated, I stop. I wrap her up, take deep breaths, use calming words. I pause. When I feel my heart beat normalizing, I try again ***.

The "pause" has helped me through many potentially frustrating breastfeeding experiences.

The technique can also be applied to any stressful situation. In fact, I've just started applying it to when I'm trying to get all the kids in the car and we're running late (um, every single time we go anywhere).

Also, as far as breastfeeding goes, go ahead and get yourself a nipple shield****.


4. Love up on that babe

There is no other time in your life when you get to be so physically close to your child. You'll soon fill your time with more children/work/hobbies and your baby will soon be able to crawl out of your arms, so sleep next to him, rock him, wear him, love on him twenty four seven because it's so good for our mama souls.


5. Take it easy on your spouse in the middle of the night

Shane and I made a rule after we had Logan that anything we say to each other between the hours of 1AM and 5AM gets a pass. Because even the most mature parents, when sleep-deprived and jolted out of bed enduring hours of screaming, can't filter how they speak to their spouses.

There it is. My five biggest tips for surviving the transition from no kids to one. What'd I miss?


* My mother was bottlefed. She's the finest of adults!
** amIrite?
*** I swear babies take anger and frustration cues from the speed of our heartbeats
**** I just can't understand why most lactation consultants frown on these. I would not be a breastfeeding mother if it weren't for the shields. I've used them with every baby for the first few weeks. If you're pregnant and plan to breastfeed BUY ONE.